Thats not a break down.. THIS is a break down

*Trigger warning * Discussions of mental health and suicide.

Happiest of Sundays my darlings (although I am aware who knows when you will find this on the site or read it)

But for me it is a glorious Sunday

I feel like a new person this week. Have I done something different? Why the sudden boost.

Well the last few months I have talk a good game but I have not been able to drag myself out of the whole I was in.

It all started Mid last year. I have sort of touched on having a bit of a break down LOL. Try, I had a complete and utter melt down, that had been building for a while. I had been in theory for part trauma and it had destroyed me opening up a lot of things I really had worked hard at moving away from.

This is where it started.

From there, I had been pushing myself outside my comfort zone with awards and conferences and general things that made me feel even more of an imposter, unworthy of people’s time.

I was actually diagnosed with severe anxiety with a fun dash of depression just to spice it up. Oh and a suggestion that I get tested for ADHD (which if I am honest would actually make sense)

As a person who has been suicidal in the past or had rather huge impressive anxiety attacks, I knew the signs and I knew where I was heading. Not good. Not good.

Business started to tank. Groups around me were closing up shop. I was losing the love for it all.

My garden was empty Literally and mentally.

It took a major fight with one of my sons and me running out of the house and disappearing for my husband to decide enough was enough. He found me down the road near some new housing construction. Crying on the ground. We sat in the kitchen for hours talking and crying and talking to see where I was at. He isn’t stupid but Trauma survivors are very very good at hiding everything.

I got to the point where I was able to go right big girl pants on, you have acknowledged these feelings and now it is time to stop wallowing in them and move on.

Then this year.

Good grief.

Sickness

My Old dog passing away

My eldest baby boy moving out of home.

Stop it. Just stop.

If fact my brain has gone into some sort of weird mode where I have literally no memory of a lot of stuff from Jan and Feb. To the point where my Admin Leanne had to do me a weekly run down of messages because I would just forget.  

But life is short. And over the past few months I have been learning to live with my anxiety. It is quite intense and very physical for me. My stomach is where I feel it generally. If it’s bad I will actually start vomiting. Good times.

But That isn’t what this blog is about.

It is more a story for people to know that they are not alone.

You are seen and you are loved.

I realised that I was really trying so hard to be someone that wasn’t me. I was trying to be high flying, conference attending, fancy clothes wearing Business woman. If that’s your jam more power to you. But it has certainly never been mine. I am a wilderness loving, emotional, organic farming, enthusiastic nerd. And that’s amazing.

I tried so hard to follow the business course I was doing. But it didn’t sit right in my heart.

As I have said to many people over the years about business. Be true to you. Be yourself. People can smell bullshit a mile away.

So that’s where I have settled and as I head into my 45^th year next week. I am happy to still be here and to be me.

This weekend I focused on my office. And getting back to being organised and man it feels so so good.

I have found a balance between work and life. And I hope to keep it.

My Facebook group community, You guys rock! And I am so grateful you are in my life.

Thankyou for sticking around.